Week 6: Love Thyself + Day 1: Journal & Set Intentions

When Buddhists practice loving-kindness they begin with a self-love practice called maitri, because when you learn to act loving towards yourself it’s easier to act loving towards others. 

Maitri is an honest and direct friendship with yourself: You pay attention to yourself the way you would a good friend, with curiosity, compassion, and gentleness. You get to know and understand yourself, and accept yourself as you are. I'm not talking about narcissism or self-indulgence - maitri requires some amount of tough love. You need to be honest about your faults and attachments, be present with all your emotions and fears, and be committed to "growing up". You just keep making progress, with dedication, patience, humor, and no judgement.

The self-love habit has two parts: The first part is building love skills, such as equanimity and generosity, with and for yourself. If you, for example, learn to resist unkind mental talk towards yourself or practice patience with your own mistakes, it's easier to remember to do the same for others. And self-love leads to self-respect and a deep inner peace: You learn to trust your instincts and rest comfortably within the sanctuary of your being. 

The second part is what Stephen Covey calls “filling the well”- that steady nurturance of your body, mind, and spirit that makes you wiser, healthier, and more resilient. In order to live a life in balance, you must take the necessary time to renew yourself with relaxation, exercise, a little study, contemplation, laughter, or any number of other activities you choose to refresh yourself with. 

This week you will begin the work of being a true friend to yourself so that you may become a better friend to others. 

A note about keeping a sabbath

In the best world, everyone would have one whole day each week to spend as we want; to stay in bed, read a good book, take a slow walk or do a crossword; one whole day to do no work, run no errands, send no emails, and clean no toilets! And why don't we? Mostly because we don't make it a priority.

A sabbath day was originally a simple day of renewal and rest from work, kept on Saturday by the Jews and Sunday by most Christians. And, of course, when religious people got involved, the day got bound up with "shall and shall nots". Keeping the day holy became a lot of work, and people were arrested if they didn't do it right. Enforced rest is not usually very relaxing or renewing!

In the modern world we have swung the pendulum too far the other way, escaping religious rules and adopting the rules of progress, where no day is holy - only the dollar. 

Keeping a sabbath day is a personal thing. For me, it's a day with a slow pace. I don't pack it as full. I schedule some work, but it has a flavor of rest to it - it's work I find fulfilling, or uplifting. I do what I call "Zen housework", simplifying my space and tidying up, which I find restful. Simple is a great word to describe my ideal activities for the Sabbath: Simple tasks, simple foods, and an undemanding schedule.

Keeping a sabbath starts with a little simple discipline: I prepare for my sabbath by finishing business on the day before; getting all possible deadlines finished, shopping, and "un-fun" chores. I practice the discipline of saying no to requests that seem like work, and yes to sabbath-like activities.

My perfect sabbath is a celebration, a holiday. I keep it holy with my attitude: I try not to rush, complain, or worry. I open myself to the Spirit of Love, and schedule activities that are celebratory in nature - cooking soup or baking bread, planting bulbs or harvesting, painting or sewing, a meal with friends or family - simple, prayerful tasks that celebrate the season or the act of creativity or the joy of community. 

I challenge you to define what a perfect day of rest would look like to you. What are the actions and mind-sets that send you into work mode and how can you stop them for 24 hours? What are the actions and mind-sets that send you into contentment? How can you create a day that fulfills you, rests your heart, and doesn’t create more stress?

Day 1: Journal & Set Intentions

Get out your (old) journal notebook and write "Love Myself" or some other heading. (Remember that you can use any journaling technique that suits you: A written dialogue with yourself, a collection of lists, drawings, or mind-maps.) This exercise has three parts again, so allot 5 -10 minutes for each part:

• Part One - collect information. Back on Week 1, Day 1, I asked you to make some lists of goals, dreams, and exciting ideas in broad categories. Today I want you to review and add ideas to this list: Self-care and life-style.

Brainstorm some goals, dreams, and exciting ideas for your future in the areas of your health, lifestyle, finances, bad and good habits, things you'd like to learn, things that bring you happiness, and your spiritual life. Just write whatever you think of, without judgement; put down everything you really want to do, and everything you only dream of doing, and include at least a few crazy, improbable ideas.

• Part 2 - reflect. Write about your present relationship with yourself - when are you not patient, kind, generous, or honest with yourself? Write about your inner judge, and your Inner Guide. Write about challenges and successes. Write about your values, beliefs, and priorities and how they support self-love.

• Part 3 - weigh the possibilities. Take a break for a few minutes. Get a fresh cup of tea or go outside to look at the sky, then come back and read what you wrote. List a just a few (2-4) specific self-love goals for this next month (30 days), such as a habit you want to improve, something you'd like to study, fears you want to face, or ways you want to grow. 

• Add these few new goals to your Month Map and your priority grid, spreading them out in a reasonable way.

Set intentions for the week:

• Write about your top priorities in the next week, including your small daily disciplines, and any big projects or tasks that lead you in the direction of your dreams. List the strongest, most compelling reasons you want to do them.

• List potential challenges- parts you don’t enjoy, things you don’t know how to do, or feel blocked on.

• Set intentions for this week to follow through with each one of your priorities, being sure to include your deepest reasons. Give special attention to any "low-status" priorities.