Day 3: Start a Self-Cultivation Project

Now that you have a baseline understanding of your personality, you can begin to analyze your strengths and limitations, and set some goals for cultivating yourself. Think of this as a gentle, loving, gardening project: You are trimming a little here, and feeding this and that, so that you will grow a better relationship with the world.

You can't really change your personality, but you can moderate your degrees of reaction, and build on your strengths. And remember that your strengths and limitations, are subjective. Some might seem quite clear from the journaling you did yesterday; for example, I listed that I am persistent and conscientious, and also that I am distractible and reserved - it's easy to say which are strengths and which are weaknesses, right?

But some strengths can become problems if we don't manage the intensity. My conscientiousness can make me inflexible, judgmental, and didactic. I've had to learn to appreciate and love those with a more spontaneous style, and manage the intensity of my expectations of myself and others. (I work to cultivate spontaneity in my personality, and enjoy the paradox of scheduling times to be spontaneous!)

Some of your personality characteristics might seem like weaknesses to you, but in fact be strengths. For example, I used to think that my introversion was a limitation because it's not valued in our culture, but I now celebrate it as a strength. Another of my apparent weaknesses is that I am not a great team player, but that has given me the strength to be self-employed and self-sufficient (and I still work at growing my teamwork skills.)

Take out your journal and make two lists:

• Make a list of your top-ten strengths, such as loyalty, honesty, compassion, respect for others, conscientiousness, thriftiness, love of learning, friendliness, and fairness.

• Next, make a list some of your character limitations- - maybe you, like me, can be judgmental, or thin-skinned. You can think about these as the challenges your personality poses you. See if you can identify something about each apparent weakness that is also a hidden strength.

Now draw up a preliminary self-cultivation project plan:

• 
  Choose the top few character limitations that cause you the biggest challenges in life, either because of the responses you get from those you love, or the inner pain they generate. Put each in a box.

• Begin to define what you would like to change about these limitations. Frame these as strengths to build rather than faults to correct - (I say I want to build my open-mindedness and compassion, rather than I want to stop being judgmental.)
  

Remember that you can't change your personality - you can't make yourself a highly conscientious person, well-organized, detail-oriented, always prepared and on time if that is not your temperament - BUT you can moderate and manage the traits that cause you the most problems in life, and you can cultivate and grow the traits you value.